An Open Letter to a Student

Dear Student:
I did something awful last week that was hurtful to you.  It was a complete accident, but nonetheless it should not have happened.  It's probably the biggest mistake I have made as a teacher.  It exposed you and there is nothing I can do to make up for this.  You have probably lost any trust you may have had in me, and that breaks my heart. 

You will never understand how much this has eaten me up inside.  I have lost so much sleep over this and I will continue to do so.  It will nag at me, probably for the rest of my life.

I hope you understand that I would never intentionally do something to hurt any of my students.  Throughout this entire school year I have given you more emotional and mental time and energy than to any of my other students.  Your parents are in regular contact with me about your work and work habits.  It has gotten to the point where I dread seeing an email from your mom.  I know that when she emails, she is going to ask me if all of the 0 grades on your progress report are accurate.  She is going to tell me that you've told her everything is caught up, but I am going to have to share with her that you have not, in fact, turned in that work. 

For some reason you seem to believe that no one is on your side.  For some reason you seem to believe that the habits you develop as a young person will not translate into the habits you keep as an adult.  Somehow you have decided that failing a class is not going to have any consequences later in life.

I know that you won't believe this, but everything I have done with respect to your work habits in class is because I care for you.  I probably care too much.  I think I care more about your grades than you do.  I have given you too much emotional space inside my heart.  And after this, the space you occupy is even bigger, because I can't stop thinking about it.

I also confess that I am angry with you too.  Your response to my apology was nasty and hurtful.  If you really understood how awful I feel about this, maybe you'd be more understanding.  If you understood how much I worry about you, maybe you wouldn't have been so nasty.  Perhaps not.  You have a chip on your shoulder, and my actions have understandably made it larger. 

What I really need to do now is to move on.  There's nothing I can do but pray that you, God and I will forgive me.   I know that I have God's forgiveness, but I probably won't ever have yours or mine.